September 11 – How I (don’t) cope

Nothing much has happened but that is a good thing! Ana has settled into the new year at school. Things at home are relatively calm and things at her dad’s are relatively calm. She still visits him infrequently, but with the help of her new drug cocktail, she is handling that situation quite well.

With that being said about Ana, my life has been anything but smooth going lately. The past month has been hectic to say the least. For starters, I found myself obsessed with the idea that I needed to buy Hannah a cute little soccer bag and then have it embroidered with her name. Now, mind you, I am not that mom that orders all ThirtyOne products for her offspring, nor am I the mom who frequents pottery barn. But, I have noticed that my ThirtyOne and Pottery Barn moms have it all together (and with cute designs to boot!)

I, also, bought a laminator. Yes, a laminator. For years I’ve wanted one but couldn’t justify spending the money on it. Finally, I got my justification. My kids needed to have a ‘to do’ list for their multitude of chores, homework, media privileges and consequences. Without a laminated ‘to do’ list for each child our home would become Lord of the Flies in less than a week!

Then there is my new gym regimen. I must get to the gym at least 3 times a week and perform my routine in utter perfection because….well, I’m not sure why. I’m happy with my weight. I’m a little soft and pudgy, but I am not 21 any more and I’ve carried three babies (can I get an ‘amen’ ladies?). My husband is more than happy with my curves. So, why am I training like a professional athlete?

It dawned on me at my daughter’s first soccer game – sans embroidered soccer bag. My life is in a chaotic free fall and I deal with chaos only by trying to wrangle it, control it, and put everything back in its place whether chaos likes it or not. And by ‘its place’ I mean my world needs to look and behave like the Huxtable children living in a world designed by IKEA and decorated by Pottery Barn.

Here is my chaos in all its glory:

  • Drew is in public school for the first time in many years with no IEP – not doing well.
  • We have bugs in the kitchen and despite sticky traps, bait, our own spraying and professional spray, they are still there.
  • Baby Grace developed a tic (trip to ER and admission to hospital included) and we are on a new diet (hard on mommy) and relearning a lot.
  • Baby Gabe is into EVERYTHING of late. His new name is ‘Destructo’.
  • I’m dealing with daddy drama which I HATE!

So, all that hitting me in about two weeks has left my little psyche scrambling for order in the way of embroidered soccer bags and laminated ‘to do’ lists. I think the gym thing is just my only way to release some steam, so I’m not going to over-analyze my intentions there.

At least I can stop myself before organizing (or at least attempting to) every aspect of my life in an effort to exert control. Giving God control of my life and all its craziness is the hardest challenge for me, hands down. But that is my prayer nightly. Hopefully, life will settle a bit, but if not, I’ll tackle it – with God’s help.

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